Interfaith
Marriage:
Faiths, Journeys, Lessons
by Kelly C. Martini
The Christian woman approached the bride, her niece, to say how much she liked the groom, who was Jewish. Then she added it was a shame the couple’s children would be doomed to hell.
Weddings are among family events that trigger emotions and stir prejudices, including those around faith traditions. Feelings and tensions can run high when couples of different faiths marry.
Stan Davis, executive director for the National Conference for Community and Justice in Chicago, Ill., an organization that works to combat prejudice and champions diversity, explained:
"Weddings and funerals are X_rays of family relationships. You see where the bones and breaks are. You add to that emotional charge religious differences and you have a potential for further difficulty."
For interfaith couples, weddings mark the beginning of journeys in finding out more about themselves, their faiths, and ways to live in families and a world often intolerant of such marriages.
"It’s not a walk for the faint_hearted," said Alicia Pitterson, a Christian who is married to a Muslim. Ms. Pitterson is program assistant in the office of urban ministries of the United Methodist General Board of Global Ministries in New York City.
"I pray, I fast, I’m on knees, I have people praying for me," said Ms. Pitterson, who believes her marriage has strengthened her belief in Christ. Exploration of the Islam faith has helped her understand it better, she said.
"There is a sense of order in the Islam faith," she said. "You need to seek God everyday as opposed to making yourself available for God on Sundays. At 4:30 in the morning, we were doing our prayers on our knees as a family. There was an understanding that we were all there for one reason."
In her exploration of Islam, Ms. Pitterson found revelations of the love of Christ, a reverence for God and what she wants in a church.
"I belong to a church where it is important to praise God daily; to fellowship; to grow; to understand forgiveness, the truth, the word and the power," she said.
Ms. Pitterson and her husband, Lenyon Pitterson, admit marriage is not always easy when you come from different faiths. To succeed, you must set boundaries, they said. Mr. Pitterson explained:
"I’ve had to learn to respect her boundaries. Muslims don’t believe that Jesus is the son of God, but I don’t tell her that he’s not."
Work and commitment
Increasingly, immigrants to the United States are bringing faiths other than Christianity to their new home. Mr. Davis said this change impacts community and family life.
"As a result of this change in demographics, people are meeting one another in academic situations, the workplace and a variety of settings," Mr. Davis said. "Human emotions being what they are, love enters into some of these relationships."
Education and open communication is key to making interfaith relationships and marriages work.
"It takes work and commitment for both the couple and families," Mr. Davis said.
For example, fasting from before sunrise until sunset or following the rules of Kosher food preparation and eating can affect the lifestyle of the whole family.
Tania Hedlund, a United Methodist from a rural town in the Western Pennsylvania met her husband, Johnathon Rosenberg, a Jew, at college. Religious differences and insecurity about how those differences would impact their relationship should they marry, led to pre_marital breakups. Together they explored the similarities of their faiths, finding commitment to charity a common tenant. Learning about each other’s faiths extended beyond the couple to their families.
"There was a curiosity thing with my grandparents, who never really knew a Jewish person," Ms. Hedlund said. "They had trouble distinguishing between the cultural aspects and the religious. They kept asking a lot of questions: how often Johnathan went to temple, what was his lifestyle."
Ms. Hedlund and Mr. Rosenberg said they want to have children and want to pass on their faiths and cultures to them.
"I want my children to know their background and value the tenants of their religions," Mr. Rosenberg said.
Raising children
Like Ms. Hedlund, Linda Bloom, a reporter for United Methodist News Service, is married to Jewish man.
"The good thing about interfaith discussions is that it makes each side think deeply about its own religion," Ms. Bloom said. "My husband’s done a lot more studying, reading and investigating of his own faith since we’ve been married."
The decision to raise their son, Jack, in the Jewish faith was not an easy one for Ms. Bloom who remembers Christian traditions like Advent calendars.
"Being Jewish is more than religious; it’s cultural, genetic and more," Ms. Bloom said. "I want Jack to understand this heritage."
When Jack was four, Ms. Bloom began explaining differences between Jewish and Christian traditions and celebrations. On a school field trip, Jack explained to a friend that his mommy celebrates Christmas and his daddy celebrates Chanukah. Then he turned to his mother and asked, "What do I celebrate?"
Learning beliefs and traditions of multiple faiths can be confusing to children. Teaching them to be proud of parents’ diverse faiths can be difficult. Carin Schwam Jones, who is Jewish, said she and her husband, Dan, a Christian, avoided the issue before they married:
"We were so goo_goo eyes over each other, we didn’t really want to talk about raising children," Ms. Jones said. Now raising three children, the Joneses have found it the hardest part of their interfaith marriage.
They decided to expose the children to both faiths and let them choose when they are older. They enrolled the children in a synagogue’s preschool. As a family, they attend services on Jewish high holidays and Christian holidays.
Their oldest daugher, Rachel, 10, is finding it difficult to see her Jewish friends celebrate their Bat Mitzvahs.
"She feels left out," Ms. Jones said. "I’ve tried to explain to her that a Bat Mitzvah is not for the money or the party. Her friends are becoming women, reading the Torah and much more."
To help Rachel with conflicting feelings, the family is planning a big 13th birthday party and a trip to Jerusalem to celebrate both their religions.
Mr. Jones, a member of Bala Cynwyd United Methodist Church in Bala Cynwyd, Pa., said he and his wife have tried to introduce their children to traditions in each religion.
"We’ve discussed Christian baptism and the Jewish naming ceremony," he said. "We have basically concluded we believe in God and don’t necessarily believe or know about all of our traditions. As long as our children pray and have faith, that is what’s important."
Communication about similarities and differences is key to making an interfaith marriage work, said Patricia Ali, who is a Christian married to a Muslim.
"Be very giving," Ms. Ali said. "Don’t say anything negative about the other person’s faith. Be accepting. It makes for kids who can see a broader picture."
Naledi and Beldon Raspberry of Newark, N.J., agreed. Ms. Raspberry is Ba’hai and Mr. Raspberry is an African Methodist Episcopal Church pastor.
"In the Ba’hai faith, we believe there is one God, and we are suppose to consort with all religions with harmony, friendship and love," Ms. Raspberry said. "We are all followers of God who find God through different messages."
Mr. Raspberry said, "I’ve learned that followers of Ba’hai work hard at living their faith and work diligently at keeping moral standards."
Interfaith marriages increasing
Mr. Davis of the National Conference for Community and Justice said interfaith marriages will continue to become more and more common.
"As we become increasingly pluralistic and blessed with different faith communities coming to this country, this is an issue we are going to have to deal with in ways we never have before," Mr. Davis said. "Religious leaders are going to have to come to terms with it. They cannot overlook the personal pain caused when the church or religion denies a person because of their choice of a marriage partner."
Rabbi Allen Secher of the Makom Shalom Congregation in Chicago is among religious leaders who are helping interfaith couples talk about differences in a Christian_Jewish dialogue group at Old St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Chicago.
"There are 550 couples on our mailing list," Mr. Secher said. "The group is meant to be a super_support group that says you are not alone. It’s not a terrible thing you’ve done falling in love with someone who is not United Methodist."
The group has established learning sessions, cultural sessions, and religious schools that teach both traditions and rituals that incorporate things like baptism and the naming ceremony. The religious leaders involved with the dialogue group have covenanted to support couples in their decisions.
"There’s no agenda for the group," Mr. Secher said. "We don’t take a stance. The couples have to do that."
Kelly C. Martini is executive secretary for communications for the Women’s Division.