LEADER: WE GATHER IN THE NAME OF THE CRUCIFIED AND RISEN CHRIST
THE PEOPLE: Over whom death had no power and through whom
there is life eternal.
LEADER: WE GATHER AS A REMEMBERING AND A CARING COMMUNITY
THE PEOPLE: A community of faith and hope united by God's
love.
LEADER: WE COME TO GIVE THANKS FOR THOSE WE LOVE
THE PEOPLE: Those who have cared for us. Those who have
brought joy to our lives. Those we love and pray
to be reunited with when the time is right.
LEADER: GOD CALLS TO US
THE PEOPLE: To care for one another, to be compassionate and
merciful.
LEADER: WE CELEBRATE GOD'S GOODNESS AND GRACE
THE PEOPLE: In the love we give, receive and remember.
LEADER: WE EXPERIENCE GOD'S GOODNESS AND GRACE
THE PEOPLE: Through arms that embrace us when we are filled
with fear.
LEADER: GOD BLESS THOSE WHO CARE
THE PEOPLE: Bless and sustain those who care for the living
and the dying: who search for cures, therapies
and vaccines. Those who respond day and night to
our tears, our desperation and our grief.
LEADER: WE ARE THE CREATION OF ONE CREATOR GOD
THE PEOPLE: The child who cries is every child. The woman
weakened and tired is every mother, wife, sister,
daughter. The man is every father, husband, son
and brother.
LEADER: AIDS LEAVES GAPING WOUNDS IN THE LIVES OF THOSE WHO
HAVE LOST THE ONES THEY LOVE THE MOST
THE PEOPLE: God, give us the strength and courage to be
present in the midst of loss.
LEADER: ACROSS THE INFINITY OF SPACE AND TIME A COMMON HEART
BEATS IN EVERY BREAST
THE PEOPLE: Forbearing pain and clinging to hope we are
brought to a deeper understanding of our common
humanity.
LEADER: WE ARE A FAMILY OF NATIONS UNITED BY OUR COMMON
PRICELESS HUMANITY
THE PEOPLE: AIDS is a worldwide crisis in the midst of which
there is no "we" and "they".
LEADER: WE CONFESS THAT WE ARE ALL AFFECTED
THE PEOPLE: When one of God's creation suffers we all suffer.
LEADER: WHEN OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS ARE TOUCHED
THE PEOPLE: We remember Mary's agony over the suffering and
death of her beloved child.
LEADER: WE KNOW JESUS IDENTIFIES WITH ALL WHO SUFFER
THE PEOPLE: Through our faith in Him, healing and wholeness
take place.
LEADER: IN AIDS MINISTRY THERE IS GIVING AND RECEIVING
THE PEOPLE: Like a chalice filled and drained and filled
again, we receive Christ and have Christ to give.
LEADER: WHEN WE CARE FOR A PERSON WHO HAS AIDS WE SHOW THAT WE
LOVE CHRIST
THE PEOPLE: To touch, to bathe, to feed, to clothe the one who
is ill is to do this unto Christ Jesus.
LEADER: TODAY WE ARE CALLED TO BE A JOYFUL, THANKFUL PEOPLE
THE PEOPLE: Upheld by God's goodness and grace which has the
power to disarm AIDS.
LEADER: IN THANKFULNESS WE COMMIT OURSELVES TO BEING A CARING,
JUSTICE-SEEKING, NURTURING COMMUNITY
THE PEOPLE: We covenant together in commitment to God and to
one another.
LEADER: WE WILL BE A CARING COMMUNITY
THE PEOPLE: We welcome into our community and our church all
persons whose lives have been touched by HIV
infection and AIDS.
We say to all: "You are welcome here".
LEADER: WE WILL BE A JUSTICE-SEEKING COMMUNITY
THE PEOPLE: We will opposed all forms of discrimination
against persons with HIV and AIDS. We support the
right of all persons with HIV and AIDS to housing,
employment, services, transportation,
accommodations and health care.
LEADER: WE WILL BE A NURTURING COMMUNITY
THE PEOPLE: We will care for one another and love one another.
We will pray for God's creation. We will be
Christ's presence in each other's lives. We will
be witnesses to God's unconditional love.
LEADER: THROUGH CHRIST'S EXAMPLE WE ARE MADE FINER, GENTLER,
STRONGER
THE PEOPLE: Through Christ the Savior and the power of God's
goodness and grace we are set free to love, to
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UNCONDITIONAL TOUGH LOVE
By Reverend Gerald Munday, Leggett Memorial United Methodist
Church, 1410 Beach Boulevard, Biloxi, Mississippi 39503
Gerald Munday is the pastor of Leggett Memorial United
Methodist Church in Biloxi, Mississippi.
"Unconditional Tough Love" is the homily he delivered
at Touro Synagogue in New Orleans on the occasion of
the October 21, 1990 Interfaith Prayer Service
Celebrating Hope and Caring sponsored by RAIN (Regional
AIDS Interfaith Network).
John Michael Munday, the son of Gerald and Sara Munday,
died from the complications of AIDS on July 28, 1989.
Reverend Munday's homily, printed here with permission,
speaks eloquently about a family's pain and loss, and
the "unmerited love" they experienced. Just as Gerald
and Sara cared for their son, they continue to care for
others who are living with AIDS.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The invitation to come and speak during this worship celebrating
hope and caring has given me a unique experience. It has helped
me to bring into focus and put into words some of my feelings.
I am most humbled by the opportunity to be a part of this worship
event. As I have prayed and prepared, I have felt the
responsibility so deeply and I am concerned that my contribution
will not be adequate for the occasion. As a consequence, I have
offered to God what I have, and I pray and trust that His grace
will be the necessary bridge to help us all as we minister to so
many.
Margaret Austin and her staff are a group of the finest persons
with whom it has been my privilege to meet and work. I thank God
for them; and I pray for the work they are doing and the work
which they will do in the future.
Let us pause for a moment of
silent preparation.
AMEN.
My wife and I were driving down the highway several months ago
and I blurted out, "Damn you, John Michael Munday!" Sara looked
at me in amazement and said, "What did you mean by that?" As I
began to answer her, my response developed into a litany and I
share a part of that now:
"Damn you, Michael for being born into our family . . .
-- For dying, at noon, on Friday, July 28, 1989, and leaving a
terrible and horrible vacancy in your mother's life and my life.
-- For that last morning when you told me to 'be good' and I
replied, 'It is not fair for you to tell me to be good and then
die on me'.
-- For those last two hours when the only way you had to
communicate was with tears from the one eye which had not shut
down, and yet restricted as you were, to realistically
communicate volumes of love which shall remain in the library of
my heart forever . . . ."
"Damn you, Michael, for capturing your mother's and my life . .
.
-- For making every day an AIDS day which has demanded our full
time, attention, and resources as caregivers in our community and
state . . .
-- It would be easier to remove our own flesh from our bodies
than to remove our commitment of working with persons who have
AIDS, their families, their lovers, their friends, and the large
number of caregivers . . . ."
It is my sincere hope this afternoon that you do not feel that I
have burdened you down with my own grief and frustration. This
is simply my feeble way of telling you where I am and why I am
here.
Each time the phone rings and my wife or I are asked to talk with
someone who has AIDS, or each time I am asked to say final words
for someone who has become a dear friend, I am reminded of the
statement: "The color of our world becomes a little more dull
each time a person with AIDS dies". But in AIDS, everything is
not dark: as a matter of fact, it is the opposite.
This experience has so many faces for the person living with AIDS
and the caregiver. In all of the pain and agony of spirit, the
darkness, the desperation, I can still celebrate that there is
life and light.
My litany is not completed! It probably never shall be; but it
does continue:
"Michael, thank you for being a son who has given us ceaseless
joy from the day you were born until the day your life ended .
. .
-- Thank you, Michael, for introducing us to so many wonderful
people who labored for their PWA. I have never witnessed such
love as I have seen expressed by the caregivers for PWAs . . .
-- Thank you, son, for opening a ministry of service and
witnessing which would have been closed to us except through your
life."
Shortly after Sara and I learned that Mike was infected with HIV,
our other son, Mark, wrote us the following letter:
"Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you feel like the bottom has dropped out and that you will
never stop falling. I even know that you have bad stomach aches
and don't quite know how to deal with this news. I can tell you
that it is going to get better and that there are many quality
times ahead with Mike. Since Mike broke the news to me, I have
grown more comfortable and closer to Mike than in all the years
we had combined.
The best news is that we have shared some good times and serious
talks that were not gloomy, sad, depressing and overshadowed by
the knowledge of his situation.
The reason I am sharing all of this with you is that Mike needs
us all very much. He needs our love, our laughter and to share
in our joys. Mike is very smart and is handling everything with
great planning.
I think for Mike's best long term mental, and physical health, we
must treat him as a strong healthy member of our family. I feel
when we begin to treat him as being sick, that that might allow
him to be less than positive.
Whenever you need a friend, you can 'lean on me' so that we can
together be the most supporting and loving family Mike could ever
hope for. I love you both very much and promise to see you
through on this one. Give me a call or drop a line.
Love, Mark"
It has been fifteen months since Mike died, but I share with you
that never have I felt my life so fulfilled and my goals so
satisfied and clear! The good news of deliverance of which
Isaiah spoke and which Jesus proclaimed as his preamble has
further strengthened my faith and vision:
"The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me;
he has sent me to the oppressed, to bind up the brokenhearted, to
proclaim liberty to the captives, and release to the prisoners;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance
of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to provide for those who
mourn in Zion -- to give them a garland instead of ashes, the oil
of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of
a faint spirit. They will be called oaks of righteousness, the
planting of the Lord, to display his glory."
Isaiah 61: 1-3 (NRSV)
Isaiah speaks of giving to the captives:
"a garland instead of ashes". God means that we should pursue
life rather than death.
Isaiah refers to:
The oil of gladness instead of mourning." God means for us to
face light . . . not darkness.
Isaiah, then, summarized by saying that God wanted us to have:
"the mantle of peace instead of a faint heart." We should have
the music of joy, hope, and caring rather than a disposition of
depression.
Dr. Claude Thompson, one of my seminary professors shared that
one of his students came to him asking if it were alright for one
to doubt his faith. Whereupon Dr. Thompson responded that it was
alright for that student to doubt, but it was very important
which way the student was facing when he doubted . . . whether
to God or to death.
That helped me to affirm anew that I do believe in God, and I am
affirmed in this belief by all that I see and understand and
experience. More than anything else, I know God loves me
regardless of who I am or what I have done. It is not possible
for me to get outside of the circle of His love and grace. And,
yet, there is nothing I can do to merit this love. This is
unconditional love at its purest. When I have had very heavy
troubles in my life and I have felt I was being crushed by their
overwhelming weight, the unconditional love of God has been
"tough" enough to bear me up.
God is not the only giver of "Unconditional Tough Love"! I
cannot count today the many people and sources from which this
unmerited love has come into my life.
One of the most thrilling factors in being a caregiver is to know
that I, too, can be a giver of UNCONDITIONAL TOUGH LOVE. I can
love others in spite of their mood swings, their periods of
depression, their outlandish and peculiar demands, their
paranoia, their physical changes, etc.
I want to tell you about Bob. I was invited to become a part of
Bob's life. Bob had lost his job because he was no longer able
to perform the duties required; however, he had not lost his
income. He was raised in New England, but he had moved to Biloxi
after he became ill to be near his sister who would care for him
during his final days. I knew Bob the last four months of his
life.
My first experiences with Bob were to visit him, take him
groceries and cigarettes, to transport him to the doctor, and to
do some of the chores around his apartment. Bob resented me from
the very outset because I was a clergyperson; he no longer had
any use for God or the church in which he grew up. One of the
conditions of my being a buddy was that I would never talk
religion, never have prayer, never bring him any literature or
the Bible.
Soon after I met Bob, he became a focal point of a care group
made up of my wife, Sara, and some of my church members. They
visited Bob, cooked for him, brought him flowers and gifts.
Bob began going down rapidly. One Sunday following morning
worship, I went by and found him lying on the sofa in his own
bodily wastes. He had been in this condition since early the
night before when he had tried to get up to go to the bathroom,
but he did not have the strength. I bathed him, changed his
clothes, put him back in bed and told him that I would return
later that afternoon. I went home and had a quick bite to eat,
while washing and drying his clothes.
I returned later to his apartment only to find him on the floor
with severe diarrhea. Again, I changed his clothes, cleaned him
up and fed him. That afternoon, Bob allowed me to become his
buddy.
Three months passed and he continued to disintegrate to the point
that twenty-four hour health care was required. He remained in
his apartment until the very end. On one of my visits I found
Bob staring at me as he had so many times before, but this day he
looked straight into my face with those large blue eyes and said,
"I love you!"
The day before Bob died (at age 30 and 2 days), with speech which
was weak and slurred, he said, "Hold me." I took him into my
arms. As I held him, we both sobbed, and I began quietly quoting
Psalm 23. Holding onto each other, and rocking back and forth I
told him I could not hold on to him much longer, but that soon
God would hold him. He nodded that he understood. I asked him
if he were ready for the priest to come and anoint him. He
tearfully said that he was. I prayed for him and with him that
day. The priest came, and Bob made peace with himself and with
God.
þ þ þ þ þ þ þ
As a caregiver, very often the emphasis is on job description,
schedule and training . . . but remember this one additional
thing. As you minister in this particular setting, there is
nothing we can take with us that will change this situation . .
. as much as we want to change it . . . and that whatever we do
bring compares in no way to what is given us. Never, never, have
I sat with someone who has AIDS, their family, lover or friends
that I have not gone away having received far, far more than I
have given.
Reverend Gerald Munday
October 21, 1990
PRAYERS
The following prayers were among those printed in the Interfaith Prayer Service bulletin:
"Almighty Creator, we come before you as one people on one earth: we bring with us today our pain, our anger, our grief, our hope. Help us to comfort one another and to find comfort for ourselves. We pray for the souls of all who have died as a result of this illness; beseeching the Lord our God that they may be precious in His sight, and that God will grant them peace. We open our hearts to receive your grace."
". . . pray for the larger family affected; for the families, the lovers and friends that they may find ever new ways of rendering support and comfort . . . courage to the fearful, and peace to those who mourn."
"We pray for healing: that the wounds opened by prejudice might be closed, that our grief may be resolved, that understanding and compassion might abound, that treatments and a cure for AIDS might be found."
"You shall pray in this sacred space to bear witness to the sacredness of human life: that all persons are children of creation and empowered with the dignity of human life." "Blessed God, you help all who come to you; look with compassion upon all who through AIDS have lost their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of your unfailing mercy; strengthen them in the work of their recovery; and to those who care for them and those laboring for a cure, give patient understanding and persevering love."
"May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. May God lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace today and forever more. AMEN"
My Dear Friends,
As many of you may know, we lost our beloved Terry on April 27,
1990. At his side were myself, his life partner for seven and a
half years, and care giver for the last two of those years, our
dear friend Arnold, and our dear nurse and friend, Ms. Freddie
Smith.
Terry once wrote that his death would not be extraordinary. Despite his belief, his death was just that. Extraordinary in the fact that he was able to inspire all of us here in St. Louis even at the moment of his death. The fact that someone so desperately and terminally ill can be so peaceful in his last hours is truly remarkable. Having never witnessed a death, let alone the death of someone I loved so much, I had no idea what to expect. I can only tell you that the peace that came over Terry's very being at the moment of his passing could only be of God. I believe that he has truly found his peace and glorification at last.
I would like to thank all of you for your many letters and cards of support. This world needs more tender, caring, concerned people like all of you. Words of love and support inspired Terry and me until the last. They gave us the strength and courage to go on when all seemed dark and foreboding. A card or letter would ignite a spark in us and give us both courage to face the next hours and days. God bless all of you for that.
My one wish is that all of you could have known Terry not only through his writing but in a more personal sense. He was a gentleman of much love, many talents and a faith that was never shaken. His faith has inspired me and many of our friends to fight harder in the struggle against this terrible disease and strive for more love and understanding.
A bright candle has gone from our midst. I ask you now to help me enable that candle's glow not to be extinguished, but to remain with us always. We must continue this work which has unfortunately only begun.
Some of you remember the references Terry made in some of his writings to our fondness for the singing group of Peter, Paul and Mary. In one of their songs about oppression, this phrase is used in reference to lighting a candle to symbolize those people and their struggles: "Don't let the light go out; It's lasted for so many years; Don't let the light go out; Let it shine through our love and our tears." Please help me not let Terry's light go out. Until we see you again, Terry, we love you.
Shalom,
Richard Glodo
1164C Casa Brazilia Ct., St. Louis, MO 63129